I’m writing this post on May the 13th, 2012. I’m setting this to post on the 24th. 

It’s late, and I have some things to say. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never wanted to feel close to anyone the way I’ve connected with some of you. Especially with the way I am now. Or, was, depending on the timing. Assuming you read thiswhen i have it set to post, and not before, was. I hope the queue/post on system doesn’t fuck up on this, because I’d like to think it’s important. If this never posts, none of you will ever know. 

Know what?

Well, that this is goodbye. To all of you. Anyone i’ve met on the Internet. No one that I would have known in my real life follow my blog, and I can honestly say I don’t actually know very many people anymore. After losing my memory, I was forced to build relationships and hope for my future based on what others have told me. Most of what I know right now, I can’t even be sure of. Don’t get me wrong, I truly care about a few of you. I wish there was a way to just send what I have to say to everyone individually. But, if I were to do that now…you would all try to sell me on staying. I can’t risk thinking twice about this. This decision i’m making is the first and only one I’ve made for myself in almost a year. It’s what I want. I want to be in control of what happens in my life. I don’t want to live the way i do, with the constant struggle for health. I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t remember my mother, or my childhood. 

I’ve faked strength and happiness for months on end now, and I refuse to continue. I’ve apparently lived my life as someone that merely hurts the ones that care about her most. I’ve pushed people away that I genuinely love, and taken refuge in relying on people who don’t deserve my attention. As far as I know, and as much as I’ve heard about my past from other people… I don’t deserve the second chance I was given. 

I’ve proved that to myself within the last few weeks. I’ve heard so many things about myself from others, and tried to make a change in myself to prove everyone wrong. I don’t want to be who I was. I never did want that. Sure enough, everything that I was before my accident is exactly who I am now. Nothing has changed. If anything, i’ve made things worse by re-opening wounds with people that care about me. Giving people hope that I could be different, and finally be worth it just broke me. 

I’m completely torn, and broken. 

I don’t want any of this. I got where I am today because I decided I didn’t want to live. As much as i’ve been trying to believe that it was a mistake to tempt death, I know better. I was given a second chance to prove myself, and make a change in the way I live my life. 

I’ve failed miserably.

I can’t even say that waking up from my coma was a blessing, because I did it with cancer. Some second chance, right? 

No.

I believe that I was supposed to die that night. I 100% honestly and truly do believe that. The medical professionals that saved my life weren’t a blessing, they were a curse. A curse that has just molded the last few months of my life into a giant timebomb. I never wanted to hurt anyone that I was close to by being depressed. I wanted everyone else to be better off because I’d be less of a burden if I were dead. I feel that way now, more than ever.

Learning of my cancer wasn’t an easy thing for me. I found out at a time where I was still hopeful that I could be happy, and change my life around with my “second chance”. I thought I could get better, move on, and be happy. I thought I could finally give the guy I love the ending he deserved with me. I believed so much for myself, and slowly came into my old self. I slowly became the person I was before I lost myself. I started hurting people again, and I can’t do it anymore. 

I refuse to be a hazardous cancer bomb in the lives of everyone that loves me. I won’t sit and be sheltered and hovered over, or treated like precious cargo anymore. I don’t want the people I care about sitting around waiting for me to die, and pretending in the meantime that I’m going to get better. The tests and diagnosis are final. The facts are what they are. I won’t be alive in another few months. Whether or not I commit myself to a better lifestyle, or change who I am for the people I love. No matter what I do with myself, I’ll be dead soon. I was supposed to die, I belong in the ground. I refuse to let myself rot in this world while dragging everyone’s feelings with me. I don’t want to be the ticking timebomb anymore. I’m done bringing everyone down by being alive. It just gives everyone the chance to feel for me more than ever because they sympathize with me. They pray i’ll get better, and cling onto every moment we have.

It’s not fair. I’m not going to be some destructive force in the lives of the people I care about. I’m not going to tell you all “hey i have basically 3 months to live, at best”. Not until you’re all aware that by the time you read this, it’ll already have happened. My death, that is. There’s nothing you can do about it. I’m sorry. I did it because I care about you all, and I want to do this my way. I don’t want to live my last weeks miserable and fearing that I’m ruining your life by dying. I want control over what’s left of my life, and that’s dying. Right now it’s May 13th, and it’s 3 am. I’m queuing this for the 24th, and if you haven’t heard from me in-between these dates, this is final. It’s final in my head right now, it’s final through medical testing, and it’s going to be immensely final by the time you read this. 

If anyone gains access to my blog in the future like my family/friends that might know my login information, I hope they read through my drafts before deleting my blog. There are personalized letters to the people I love in my drafts, but as I said…I couldn’t find it in me to send any of them out. I didn’t want to say goodbye before I was gone, and I didn’t want to feel the hurt that any of this would bring you. It’s selfish, I know. It’s just the way it had to be, however. If Meg, or anyone else gets on my blog, they’ll send you what i’ve written. If not, you know that I love you. 

I’m summing this up by saying thank you. To all of you that honestly have made my life (before or after the accident) worth while. You would know who you are, and if you are indeed one of those people, you mean more to me than you know. Internet friends for life~

and, as always… Never lose your flames. 

xoxo Maddie

Read More

Uh I think I should just go back to sleep

yah

Anonymous asked: lol die bitch

alright

Anonymous asked: Dylan is talking to someone new.

okay

Anonymous asked: You're completely pathetic as a person, and I hope nothing good ever comes to you.

thanks

Anonymous asked: you don't deserve dylan lol

i know

i have really bad timing.

i really do not wish to be sedated please walk away from me with that needle